Soul Detox

To my baby girl,

You know that feeling when you get home after a long, tiring day and you have a nice warm shower, wear some nice perfume and just sit there smelling nice and feeling clean and refreshed? I LOVE that feeling. It's honestly one of the nicest feelings in the world. And it left me with the thought, how often do we do this with our souls?

During our lives we fill our souls with many things. We fill it with images and sounds and feelings and memories and not all of the things we fill it with are healthy. In fact, we underestimate the power of our souls. We underestimate how important the condition of our soul is for a healthy, happy and purposeful life.

Our soul is like a plant. If we give it enough sunlight, water and nutrients, it will grow and live long and live happily. If all we do is pour mass amounts of toxins on it, it will die.

So I sat down and I asked myself, what am I feeding my soul with? I took a REALLY good look at the things I was injecting into my life and I decided to make some radical changes.

The first thing that came in to my mind was music. Music for the soul they say. Music has a very strange way of creeping into your soul and into your head and one day you will be walking down the street humming a tune and then you stop for a second and ask yourself, 'Hey where did that THAT come from?' so I took a good look at the songs that I listened to and the lyrics and message they portrayed. Do I really agree with what I am listening to? Is this artist someone who endorses or opposes my values and beliefs about life and people? If everything this person is saying goes against who I am, then WHY am I listening to it? It's kind of like saying, I will enjoy listening to my boss screaming at me in filth, as long as there is a good beat playing in the background.



The next thing I discarded from my life are movies and tv shows. Entertainment, we call it. I'm someone who LOVES watching movies. It used to be my way of relaxing and destressing. But I took a good long look at what I watch. Almost every single movie or tv show promotes sex outside of marriage, violence, disrespect, revenge, dishonesty, hate, injustice, foul language and twisted family values. You are lucky if you find ONE movie today that you can sit and watch with a 5 year old that will not teach them something bad. And we are fools if we sit and watch them and then walk away thinking 'Yes, I may not agree with that but it's only a movie' All that bad language you just heard, would you accept your 15 year old daughter talking like that at home? If your answer is no, then why do you tolerate a strange man or woman shouting filth into your home through a little box? If your answer is yes, you need to have your head examined. I feel like if I truly care about my soul, and if I have a choice in the matter, I don't want to fill it with images and sounds of everything I speak and stand against.

Eat Up!

Trash belongs in the trash bin.

Personally, one of the biggest changes I made was to quit facebook. I felt like facebook was a deadly parasite. It leached onto you and sucked out your life. It somehow made my perspective very narrow and limited. While many praise facebook for helping people to stay connected and build relationships, I have actually seen it do a lot of damage to relationships. I have heard people say 'It's not official until it's on facebook' And when I hear that I just want to cringe, because of how shallow life has become that even a relationship between a man and a woman is not valid unless it is on facebook. Facebook has just become a means to pry our noses into other people's lives and give opportunities for others to pry their noses into ours. It has stolen a lot of our precious time and has devlaued relationships to the extent that people barely talk anymore. They just poke each other like idiots and 'like' and comment on pictures of us doing lame poses in front of mirrors. It has become an excellent tool for men and women to prey on each other, leaving aside young children. It has also become a convenient sidekick for those who enjoy being unfaithful to their partners. It has become many things over the years and for me, it has become a giant drain on my soul. Some days when I log on to facebook and see the things that come on my homepage, facepalming myself is not enough. I wanted to be free of that curse.



Finally one of the major changes I made in my life was my diet and exercise. Food  and exercise are more for the body, I do agree. But a healthy body definitely contributes towards a healthy soul. And this requires a lot of discipline and the ability to say NO. This is very hard when you live in a country like Sri Lanka, where there is good food everywhere and every lady you meet over the age of 30, the first words that comes out of their mouth are 'eat eat eat'. But you have to learn to say no. I am strongly against starving ones self. You must eat well, but you must also eat healthy and over the last 1 and half months I've been working on disciplining my mind and body so that eventually, I would have a healthy soul. This means waking up a little earlier than usual to workout before going to work or saying no to the super yummy sweets or choosing to eat bran crackers for a snack (which taste like concrete) vs eating chips. All decisions you have to make everyday and consistently. But discipline for the mind, body and soul will take you far in this life.

 Anyway, I have to say life is wonderful. I was telling daddy, I feel like a completely different person. Like someone has dunked me in a big bowl of sunshine and rainbows. I feel light and free. Like nothing is holding me down anymore :)

But I have to say all credit goes to God, who has given me a new start in life. I have been drawing closer to Him now than I have been before and no matter what kind of challenge or circumstance Daddy & I have faced up to this point, He has given us the grace to face them all with our heads lifted high.  

And I leave you with this. Something I found quite alarming when I made the decision to quit facebook, was that SO many people wrote back to me saying 'I admire you for making this decision. I have wanted to quit facebook also but I've never really had the courage to do so' And it made me feel a little sad inside. Not because it had anything to do with facebook, but because I realized that too many people have the power to be free of the things that are holding them down but don't have the courage to. I guess somehow they feel like they might lose a part of themselves which has for many years so strongly defined them. But those very things that they hold on so tightly to, could be the very things that may eventually erode away on their souls and their lives.

So I encourage you, my love, don't allow material and worldly things to define you. Find yourself in Christ. For unlike this world, He never changes. He is rock solid and He is always faithful. Rid yourself and your life of things that will hold you down and things that you don't even agree with. You don't have to carry the burden and pressures and expectations of this world.

Be free. Be young. Be beautiful.

Love,
Mummy

'How can YOU not see it?'

Good morning, my darling...

So I work on Saturdays. I find that most tiresome and at first, I would complain about it and whine about it and oh poor me, working on the weekend.

However, today in the morning when I was talking to God, I asked Him to help me see things differently. To open my eyes to the things I have missed before. And you know how people say that God takes forever to reply their questions or answer their requests? I guess we just ask the wrong question and ask for the wrong things because He worked lightening fast with my request.

So I was in my little trishaw on the way to work, when I learned 3 beautiful lessons. I like to call it being schooled in a Trishaw.

1.      The Garbage Truck

So we passed by the garbage truck on the way to work and, oh my word, it seriously stunk. Garbage trucks in Sri Lanka look like this. And there are about 5 or 6 men in that truck. They shout ‘kunuuuuuu’ at the top of their voice which means ‘garbage’ in Sinhala and they slowly make their way down the street picking up garbage from all the houses. Now just driving past that truck made me feel sick because of the stench, but imagine having to stay with that truck the whole day? I immediately felt so much gratitude towards those men who did that for us. And on top of that, I felt so much shame for complaining about me having to work on Saturday. How dare I complain when there are people out there who have much more challenging jobs in much more challenging environments. 

Note to myself: Someone, somewhere, is having a much worse day than me. Thus, I must over myself. 

2.      The Mother that Waits

And then I passed this school and I saw a lot of women sitting outside in the sun, waiting. At first I was wondering, why are these women sitting out here for?? And then I realized, they are waiting for their daughters to finish classes. Ok, so for some people this may be hard to understand, but it’s not a safe world anymore for young girls. Especially in a country like Sri Lanka, where you can’t get into a bus or train or even walk on the road without some ignorant man groping you or passing crude remarks. If I had a daughter, I would be mortified to send her alone anywhere after what I have seen and experienced. And I realized that most of those women have probably brought their young daughters to school and wait for them to finish and bring them back home, because maybe it’s too much of a distance for them to go and come back later to pick them up. And inside of me, my heart welled with pride and gratitude. Proud of these amazing women who don’t mind sitting out there in the sun waiting for their children, simply because they want to make sure their daughters get home safely. But that’s what parents do for their kids. They sacrifice for them. And in that moment, I just thanked God from the bottom of my heart for MY parents who have sacrificed more than I even know. Many times I have not even appreciated it, but I just really thanked God for them and blessed them for all they did for me. I truly hope and pray that I can do the same and more for you, my precious.  

Note to myself: If I can’t sacrifice, I can’t love. And if I can’t love, then…I might as well dig a hole and stick my head in it. Like an ostrich.

3.      Watch Out for the Humps!

Everyday my trishaw driver complains that he has to keep fixing his trishaw. I am not surprised because of how he drives over humps and potholes as if his trishaw is Super Bunny or something. It’s almost like he is blind. Seriously. And I was quietly asking God, ‘HOW can this man not see that his trishaw keeps breaking down because of how reckless and ignorant his driving is?? HOW can he not see that? WHY won’t he just slow down a bit?’ And God asked me ‘HOW can you not see that the lack of appreciation and gratitude in your life causes yourself and your relationships to hurt? How can YOU not see that? WHY don’t you slow down a bit to hear my voice and follow My lead?’ You know it is God speaking to you when He answers your question with another question!

            Note to myself: Be still. Be patient. Always be thankful. Always.

            2^nd note to myself: Get the trishaw driver some glasses.

So now here I am work, happy as a beetle. Looking forward to what this day brings. Looking around me for more things to learn.

So I encourage you, my love. Don’t settle for a routine. There are always new things to learn, new things to experience and new things to work on in our lives.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (NLT)

I love you.
Mummy

A Good Wife.

To my darling,

I've always been a little confused of the definition of a good wife. There are so many definitions floating around out there and sometimes it's overwhelming and discouraging trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be.

I have to admit, it's easy to become insecure and unsure of yourself as a woman in today's day and age. There are so many false and unrealistic images of the perfect woman or the perfect wife that too many women have forgotten what they are REALLY supposed to be like.

So I went to the one place I always find a sure answer - the Bible. And this is what I found in Proverbs 31...

So at first I was like...dude. That's one amazing woman! It's almost too good to be true! But I took a moment to translate it to today's context...

A good woman is hard to find and is worth more than diamonds,

Her husband can trust her and she doesn't betray his trust

She isn't mean or harsh to him, but gives him her all without holding anything back

She believes in giving her family the best of everything

She doesn't mind going the extra mile to bring her family joy, laughter and excitement

She doesn't sleep away the day and makes sure her family is well cared for

She wakes up each morning with a mission and a purpose

She knows how to save and invest money wisely

She is an enthusiastic worker and doesn't complain about her work

She works hard to maintain a loving and beautiful home

She is compassionate and is always ready to help those in need

She doesn't need to worry about her family because she has prepared in advance for the tough times

She puts her creativity to good use and makes her own money

She may not be a supermodel but she dresses attractively and her joy and positivity make her truly beautiful

She speaks with kindness and wisdom

She is aware of what goes on in her own home and encourages her family to be the best versions of themselves

And above all, she fears God.

The results are pretty obvious. A very happy family.

I remember when your daddy and I first got married, I had absolutely no idea how to cook. In fact, the mere thought of cooking made me lose my appetite. I was never interested in being a 'house-wife'. I always wanted a career and a life filled with excitement and traveling. Staying at home and doing laundry was not part of the plan. But somewhere in the first few months of marriage, God humbled me. He broke my proud heart and through a lot of tough experiences, I learned humility. I learned putting someone else's needs and wants above my own petty ideas. So, I learned to cook. I learned to keep a house, I learned about saving money and most of all, I learned to be unselfish. 

But even today I looked at all those things and thought, 'Wow I have a lot to change within myself if I want to be this kind of woman' Because what I truly desire now, more than a career or my own personal ambitions, is to be a godly woman. A woman that my husband and future kids can look at and say 'Many women have done wonderful things, but you have outclassed them all!' Not because of my cooking or my beauty or any other such thing, but because I fear God and it can be seen in my life.

If you are married, and you want to have a happy marriage, the first question you need to ask yourself is 'What can I do for him?' Too many marriages are focused on 'What can my husband do for me?' or 'What isn't my husband doing for me?' It is quite apparent here that the woman spoken about in this proverb had a very happy husband and children who loved and adored her, so she clearly must be doing something right! It goes without saying that husbands need to do their part too, but I am not responsible for that. I am responsible for doing my part. And I want to do my part very well.

Now don't get discouraged. You don't need to know everything about everything and be super awesome at everything you do. But the key is to try, and to try hard. Always be willing to learn and be courageous. Don't allow the fear of failure to keep you from trying. This is what I drill into my head everyday. I am quite terrible at sewing. In fact, I don't enjoy it at all. If I have a hole in my sock, I do not sew it, I buy a new pair of socks. Ha. But one decision I made after reading this was, I'm going to sew. I'm going to learn somehow and I'm going to do my best to be good at at it and enjoy it. So my first project is sewing daddy and I some bedsheets. But I remember how terrible I was at cooking and baking but with practice and a lot of encouragement, I learned and today I enjoy it ever so much!

So one day,  you too, will be a wife. And while this world tries to trick you into thinking that the happiness of your marriages lies in what your husband does or does not do for you, don't be deceived. You do your best to be the BEST-EST wife you can possibly be! Try and make your weak areas stronger and be humble in your strengths. Love, respect and honour him. Be trustworthy and generous. Work hard to keep yourself healthy and fit and work hard in general. Put your talents to good use and try and learn new things each day. Be diligent in your job and become successful in your career. Cook for your family, encourage your family and be a source of strength and joy to them! Most importantly, have a deep, intimate relationship with your Heavenly Father and let Him mold you and make you into the woman He has created you to be!

I love you, my precious. You inspire me even though you are not yet here. So thank you for that.

Love,

Mummy 

The Little Things

Dear Darling,

Everyday on my way to work I pass by this house. There's nothing really special about this house, except for an old, fat, lazy-looking Dalmatian who sleeps on the porch. For the first few days I saw him, I always thought to myself, 'That dog needs some exercise!' And I noticed that over the days every time I turned down that road, I would sort of be looking forward to pass that house so I could see this Dalmatian. Sometimes I would even panic, 'Have I missed the house already??' and then I would be calmer once we actually did pass the house and I would see the sleepy doggy lazily lounged on the porch. Today I realized how much excitement it brought me to pass that house!

I was thinking to myself, 'What is wrong with me?!' Have I become so lame that a random dog in a random house excites me? Ha.

But I realized, THIS is life. People wait their whole life for big things to happen. Big adventures. Big surprises. Big gestures. Big jobs. Big parties. Big money. Big everything. And we miss the small, tiny things that pass by us everyday. I guess that's why a lot of people are unhappy or unsatisfied.

That dog is not even my dog, but he brings me joy. In fact, I don't even know if he is a boy. Nevertheless, I shall call him Pumba and he shall be my Pumba. *smirk*

I encourage you, look around you for the little, simple things that can change your life, bring you joy and make everyday less monotonous. Purposely find little things to be grateful for.

 

Here is a list of little things I am grateful for today:

1. I managed to open my water bottle without spilling it's entire contents on myself
2. Today when I got to work I didn't have to stand outside the gate for 20min, like I usually do because unlike other days, the dude who opens the gate, came before me. Yay.
3. Daddy & I successfully finished our little Bible reading plan on marriage
4. The Sun. Anyone who has lived in Finland, will relate.
5. My boss appears to be in a good mood. He even smiled.
6. I'm having a good hair day. Sort of.
7. I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, family and a crazy bunch of friends!
8. I am not a duck.

So again, "enjoy the little things in life for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things"

Love you muchly,
Mummy 

'Get Over It, Kid'

Dear baby girl,

There are those days that you wake up and the first word on your lips is ‘Why?’ Or those moments you want to ‘facepalm’ everyone around you. A polite way of speaking, if I may. There are days when feeling unappreciated or undervalued is an understatement. Or those moments when the constant conflict and chaos around you tend to wear you out. There are days when there is not enough love, not enough joy and not enough warmth around you to refuel your broken spirit. There are days when you are well and truly stuck with no hope of escape or deliverance. There are moments of pure loneliness that no earthly being could fix. 

And on those days you know what I do?

I pat myself on the head and tell myself ‘Get over it, kid’

‘Cos life is too wonderful. Life is too short. Life is too precious.

Sooo...

Love,

Mummy   

"But You're So Young!"

Hello my darling,

Your father and I have been married for 1½ years now. I was 21 and he was 20 when we got married. And even up to now, I still have people who say to me, 'Why would you get married so young? Why don't you enjoy your life first?'

Even before your father and I started dating, we talked about marriage. I think we both knew that we didn't want to date for the sake of dating. If I was going to date someone, I wanted it to be my future husband. So after a lot of prayer and thought, we started dating and in 9 months we announced our engagement. I can count on my hands the number of people who were supportive of our decision. In other words, there were very few. Some people even had the audacity to ask me if I'm pregnant. As if that was the only sane reason as to why a person should get married. Then others brought up the famous statement, 'You should first enjoy your youth before you get married' As if getting married somehow caused you to age faster and robbed you of your hair and every joy you may ever have.

It made me think a little and I realized what a warped and strange idea people had of marriage. The world has portrayed marriage to appear as some sort of cage. Some form of imprisonment or punishment. Very few people said to me, 'You're getting married?? You mean you are going to spend the rest of your life with an amazing man, sharing and enjoying your youth and future with him??' It was more like, 'You're getting married?? You mean you are going to be stuck with the same man for the rest of your life??'

And it saddened me. Because I have not enjoyed my life as much as I have with your father. It hasn't been all sunshine and ponies, let me tell you that. But I would not trade this life for anything else. For all the 'freedom' in the world. For with him, I am completely free. Free to be myself, free to dream, free to hope, free to be sad and free to be happy. I wake up in the morning to the same person and yes, that is wonderful. Because it reminds me that there is a man on this earth who loves me so much and whether it be good or bad days, he has chosen and promised to be by my side. And all those things that people thought I would miss out on? Not only have I not missed out on anything, I've even had my bestfriend with me to laugh and cry through it all. It doesn't get any better than that.

So why am I writing this? Simply to say, don't underestimate the beauty and power of marriage. Today people very rarely give marriage a thought. Just living together will do. Marriage has become equivalent to a wedding. Getting married means having the perfect wedding. But marriage is so much more than a wedding. The promises and the commitment your father and I made to each other before God keep us going through the tough times. I can't and I won't just walk out one day 'cos I feel like I'm not in love today. We are not roommates, we are husband and wife.

So in an age when divorce is fashinonable and relationships only last for as long as a mudcake would in my fridge, treasure marriage. Respect it and honour it. It's not and it shouldn't be a prison. It's most certainly not easy and you will face MANY challenges, but enjoy it. When marriage is approached with the right attitude, it's one of the most magnificent experiences you could have. It's a place you can grow tremendously and it can chisel and polish you until you shine bright as ever.

I pray that oneday you will find a wonderful husband who brings out the absolute best in you, like your father does in me.

Much love,

Mummy

Sri Lanka.

Hi my baby girl,

Mummy comes from Sri Lanka, one of the most beautiful places on Earth!

 
And I found this video someone had made and it most certainly showed alot of the amazing landscape, people and experiences you could have in Sri Lanka.

I can't wait to show you my home and all the beauty that comes with it but until then, enjoy this little clip of Paradise :)

Love you muchly,
Mummy

Prince.

My darling,

I write to you today with a heavy heart. Today I have to do something which is probably the hardest thing I've done in my life. Yes, this is harder than even moving to Finland.

Today I will give up Prince.

I haven't told you much about Prince. He is our litle puppy and I think to help you understand why this decision is so hard for me, I should start right at the beginning.

Ever since I was a little girl, there have been two things I've wanted. A little brother or a dog. I remember writing letters to God telling Him how He gave Sarah a baby at the age of 99 so He could give my mum a baby too! But it didn't seem like that was His plan. So my next request was a dog.

I am a HUGE animal lover. It is my dream one day in the future to work with animal rescuse shelters and maybe one day have one of my own. So after years of me whining about how I want a dog, my parents were compassionate and got me one.

He was called Rusty. A beautiful golden brown cockerspaniel. I loved him and he was full of life and energy and in fact, TOO much energy for us to handle! Our lifestyle was so busy and my parents traveled quite a lot for work and I had to stay at home alone with Rusty and it was becoming hard for us and mostly, for him. One day we had planned to go for a holiday together as a family (for me, this was my first holiday after months and months!) and suddenly the person who was to look after Rusty while we were gone, was unable to. Then we were left with the decision, do we cancel our holiday or what? I think it was then that we realized maybe Rusty would be happier in another home with a different kind of lifestyle. It was a quick decision but within hours we found a new home for him! A miracle I know! God was so good to take care of Rusty. And trust me, he now resides with a wonderful old couple who absolutely love and adore him and he is a hundred times happier there than he was with us. So THAT makes me happy!

But giving up Rusty was hard. And even after that for years and years my desire for a dog never left. It was one thing I desired even more than a husband. So my mother would always say, 'Keshia, a dog would be very unhappy living with us right now given our busy lifestyle. But when you get your own house and family, I'm sure you can have a dog!'

But coming to the present. I got married and was extremely happy and then we moved to Finland and things were not so easy for me after that. Being the only child, you would expect me to have found a way to deal with loneliness, and even I thought I did, but in Finland I experienced such a deep sense of loneliness that I have never experienced anywhere else. Daddy was so good to me and did everything he could to make me happy but even he couldn't help me in some things. I felt like an outsider who was just a big inconvenience to people around me. I didn't have anything of mine. No job, no friends, no family. I felt empty and above all, rejected. People would completely ignore me and speak in Finnish around me as if I didn't exist, unconcerned that I couldn't understand or be involved. I broke into a million pieces. It was a very hard time in my life. And at the beginning of 2012, I told God I wanted a dog. I needed a companion who was mine. Who spoke MY language. Whom I could love and who would love me irregardless of my skin colour or my personality. Even daddy was supportive of getting a dog, so we prayed for a LONG time. And in April 2012, we had the peace in our hearts to get a dog. But I felt this voice saying to me, 'You won't have him by his 1st birthday' I couldn't understand what that meant. But because we had peace in our hearts we went ahead and started looking and we found the perfect dog, Prince! My lifelong dream had finally come true!

Prince was a gorgeous black & tan Miniature Pinscher and he came into our house in June 2012. I can't give you all the details because there are tooo many! But he made my life exciting, happy and warm. He taught daddy and I a lot about God, ourselves and raising kids. Prince was extremely smart and intelligent and always kept challenging us with his headstrong nature. I can easily say, we picked a dog to perfectly match me. He is a brave little fellow even though he is so small. He rules any dog park we go to, dominating german shepherds and pitbulls. He loves to be energetic and active and he appreciates challenges. He LOVES to eat! He loves people and is very affectionate towards them. He is very caring and loyal to daddy and I. If ever we sneeze or show we are in pain, he comes by our side to check on us and leaves only when we tell him we are ok. But above all, he is absolutely adorable!

 Sometimes when he is there and people are jabbering in Finnish around me, I shut out their voices and it's just me and Prince. Or after a long day, I know ok, I'll get through this horrible day so that I can get home and see Prince. Sometimes he is the motivation I need to get out of bed and get moving in this horrible weather outside. He made my life in Finland bearable and I will forever be grateful to God for blessing me with him.

But now comes the hard part. Daddy and I have been thinking alot about our future and what should we do next. Our time in Finland is drawing to a close and we were praying about what should we do next. We both felt like God wanted us to spend our next year in Sri Lanka and then we felt like we should move to Australia. I was so excited to be able to take Prince to Sri Lanka because I know how much he appreciates sunlight and warmth (like me!!) but then we found out that taking a dog to Australia is like breaking out of a prison. Painfully hard and takes a lot of time and effort. Prince would have to be quarentined for over 7 months. 7 months away from us in an unknown place. I think that would break his heart.

So I asked God, 'What should we do?? What do YOU want from me?' I'm always scared to ask God this. I'm being honest. Because usually His answer is not the one I want to hear. But I have learned that His ways have always been the best for me. I think something is gonna be good for me, but then I choose to obey Him instead and it may be hard at first, but afterwards it ALL makes sense and I know I couldn't have gone down a better road. So with great hesitation, I asked Him. And just as I expected, He replied, 'I gave you Prince for a season. He fulfilled his purpose in that season but now it's time to find a new home for Prince' I shared with daddy what God spoke to me and we broke down in tears together. We sat on the bed crying throughout the night because this decision took all of our strength and will. But finally when we both agreed, 'Ok, God loves Prince more than we do. He wants the best for Prince and so do we. And if we obey Him, not only will our lives go smoother, but Prince will be happier than ever. It's time to find a new home for him' The moment we made that decision together this strange sense of peace came over our hearts. Yes, this was the right thing to do. Painfully hard but right.

So we spoke to Prince's breeder and asked if she could maybe ask around if anyone would like to take in Prince and within a few hours (amazing, right??) we already had two people who were interested. And we met one them and she was such a lovely lady who already had another min pin and when we met her for the first time, Prince absolutely adored her! He even tried to leave with her! And I cannot express how much joy I had in my heart just seeing that! God is so faithful and good :)


But of course, all this joy cannot take away the pain of losing him. I will miss him everyday. His cute little ways and the love he exhumes. But daddy and I have made a decision to be strong. We have made a decision to do what pleases God, not us. We have dedicated our lives to serving Him and if that means I have to give up my most prized possesion, I will do that.

Today is our last day with Prince. And we love him and will never ever forget what he brought into our lives, especially mine.











But remember this baby girl, NOTHING on this earth, no boy, no dream, no job, no dog, no anything, is worth ignoring God's will! Nothing will bring you greater joy or peace. God loves you and wants the absolute best for you, so don't settle for anything less!

We love you and because of you, we want to be the best people we can be!                         

Love,
Mummy

'God, why did You let me wake up today?'

Hello my love,

It's been awhile, I know. I can't really say why I haven't written earlier but there is some finality in writing things down. And especially when things are difficult it's hard to acknowledge them.

These last few weeks, I've been feeling like a tiger. Ever seen those tigers in the zoo in cages?Restlessly pacing up and down. Well, that was me. A restless tiger.

For awhile now, life has felt like a cage. I wake up every morning, open my eyes and the first question I ask is, 'God why did you let me wake up today? Why.' And then I would while the hours away until I lay in bed again to sleep and wake up the next morning and ask the same question. I had forgotten how to laugh or how to look forward to things. I had lost the joy of simple, beautiful things.

Now this feeling of unsatisfaction has been ever growing. Unsatisfaction of the lack of opportunities for me in this country and the struggle to find a job because I don't know the language or the struggle to just keep going on and I believe this last week was the worst for me. I got tired of it and I quit.

I told God I've had it. I hate it that He brought me here. And I'm tired of wasting my life away sitting at home when I have so much potential and so many dreams that I want to fulfill so WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE BAKING BROWNIES ALL DAY LONG? Believe me, I was angry when I had this conversation with God. 'Cos it seemed like I've been asking the same questions for the last 15 months with no apparent answer. And I was exhausted.

And so it was our youth night. 5 minutes before we left home I sat on the ground with daddy and quietly I asked God, 'What am I doing? You want me to go and lead worship and preach when I can barely lift my head up right now? You want me to smile and be joyful when all I want to do is scream and cry and run away? You want me to tell them there is hope when I feel so hopeless right now?' and it's funny when God does answer because it's at the most unusual times. For all I heard Him say was, 'Yes I do.' Sigh.

So that's what I did. I picked up my guitar. Closed my eyes. And sang my guts out to God, forgetting about everything that wasn't going right. Daddy and I preached from our hearts. And at the end of the night, as I was walking home, this strange peace came upon me. The incomprehensible understanding which I maybe once had and lost. The realization that THIS is why I'm here. To give. To build. To invest in the lives of young people. That my existence here is not in vain, it is purposed. It is willed. It is for the best. And then at that moment, my agendas, my plans, my wants, my desires, my dreams, my ideas don't matter.

For I live for His dream. I live for His purpose. I live for His plan.

And nothing else in this life, could ever satisfy.

So in those moments when everything seems pointless and nothing makes sense and you are restless, frustrated and angry...look to God and His purpose for your life and you will find that everything starts to make sense and you find that you are exactly where you belong!

Love,
Mummy