'God, why did You let me wake up today?'

Hello my love,

It's been awhile, I know. I can't really say why I haven't written earlier but there is some finality in writing things down. And especially when things are difficult it's hard to acknowledge them.

These last few weeks, I've been feeling like a tiger. Ever seen those tigers in the zoo in cages?Restlessly pacing up and down. Well, that was me. A restless tiger.

For awhile now, life has felt like a cage. I wake up every morning, open my eyes and the first question I ask is, 'God why did you let me wake up today? Why.' And then I would while the hours away until I lay in bed again to sleep and wake up the next morning and ask the same question. I had forgotten how to laugh or how to look forward to things. I had lost the joy of simple, beautiful things.

Now this feeling of unsatisfaction has been ever growing. Unsatisfaction of the lack of opportunities for me in this country and the struggle to find a job because I don't know the language or the struggle to just keep going on and I believe this last week was the worst for me. I got tired of it and I quit.

I told God I've had it. I hate it that He brought me here. And I'm tired of wasting my life away sitting at home when I have so much potential and so many dreams that I want to fulfill so WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE BAKING BROWNIES ALL DAY LONG? Believe me, I was angry when I had this conversation with God. 'Cos it seemed like I've been asking the same questions for the last 15 months with no apparent answer. And I was exhausted.

And so it was our youth night. 5 minutes before we left home I sat on the ground with daddy and quietly I asked God, 'What am I doing? You want me to go and lead worship and preach when I can barely lift my head up right now? You want me to smile and be joyful when all I want to do is scream and cry and run away? You want me to tell them there is hope when I feel so hopeless right now?' and it's funny when God does answer because it's at the most unusual times. For all I heard Him say was, 'Yes I do.' Sigh.

So that's what I did. I picked up my guitar. Closed my eyes. And sang my guts out to God, forgetting about everything that wasn't going right. Daddy and I preached from our hearts. And at the end of the night, as I was walking home, this strange peace came upon me. The incomprehensible understanding which I maybe once had and lost. The realization that THIS is why I'm here. To give. To build. To invest in the lives of young people. That my existence here is not in vain, it is purposed. It is willed. It is for the best. And then at that moment, my agendas, my plans, my wants, my desires, my dreams, my ideas don't matter.

For I live for His dream. I live for His purpose. I live for His plan.

And nothing else in this life, could ever satisfy.

So in those moments when everything seems pointless and nothing makes sense and you are restless, frustrated and angry...look to God and His purpose for your life and you will find that everything starts to make sense and you find that you are exactly where you belong!

Love,
Mummy