"Look at me"

Hey baby girl,

I remember when I was a kid I went with some friends to this amusement park. And we were on this ride which just went round and round and it got faster and faster. But all it did was go round. And somewhere in the middle of it, I started feeling sick in my stomach. And I was wondering what is the point of this? Why am I even on this ride? I just wanted to jump off but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t stop. And I remember someone saying, don’t close your eyes and don’t look around just look at the ground. You will feel better. And strangely, I did.

And some mornings I wake up, and I ask myself the same question. Why am I living? Why am I here? Because some days it’s easy to forget the reason. Some days it’s easier to close my eyes again and hide in bed. Some days I hear only silence and echoes. Some days I just want to go back home. Some days I just want to scream and cry but I don’t have enough energy. Some days I just need someone to tell me that I’ll make it through. Some days I need hope.

And on those days, I’m tempted to close my eyes. I’m tempted to give up and walk away. But then I hear this still, small voice saying, “Don’t close your eyes. Don’t look around you. Look at me.” And in those moments, He gives me the patience and the grace to live that day and the day after that. He reminds me He loves me. He reminds me my life is not just for me. He reminds me that there are more broken souls to be touched, more broken hearts to be fixed. He reminds me that He is always here with me.

So when you feel tempted to give up or run away, look at Jesus.

I love you…

Mummy

P.S:- one of my favourite songs.

My 2011 (Part 2 - Finland)

Hey baby girl,

So I have started this letter many times and failed to finish writing it. I guess it has been hard and emotional to write this. Probably as it has been few of the hardest months in my life. So here I go, this time I hope I can finish it.

I landed in Finland on the 7^th of July 2011. It was summer and it was beautiful. My first few hours in Finland were like some sort of dream. I hadn’t quite realized what has happened. A part of me was sad, a part of me was excited. I just didn't know what to feel or think exactly.

The first few weeks were both fun and stressful for me. I had a great summer here. It was absolutely beautiful nature and so much to do and so many lovely things to eat! It was also lovely meeting Daddy’s family and friends. But meeting so many new people and trying to remember their faces and names was also quite stressful. And to add to that Daddy and I didn’t have a home so we lived from suitcases for a month. We didn’t have any idea of what we were going to do, where we were going to live, how we were going to support ourselves. Everything was left open for us and it was a little scary.

But the hardest part was people didn’t speak English here. So I felt thoroughly excluded from conversations. Everyone kept telling me to learn Finnish but what they didn’t realize was you can’t learn Finnish in 2 weeks. It’s one of the hardest languages to learn and I was scared that for months and months and maybe years, I would be the silent observer in ever conversation. I was also scared that I would not be able to make new friends because I wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone. But more about that later.

So having nothing except two suitcases, we prayed. Within a month, God gave us a beautiful little apartment in such a convenient location. He blessed daddy with a job in the same week! And life got started for us...

It was scary for me being a new wife. I was in a new country so things were quite unfamiliar. It's not easy being newly married and moving to a new place and having to learn so much in such little time. I didn’t know how to cook or bake. And to make things worse, in the grocery store, nothing is in English. So God and Google Translator were my best friends. And I remember telling God, “Ok Juho is going to come home from work today and I need to put some dinner on the table. What do I do??” But step by step, God helped me. I remember the fear I experienced as Daddy had his first bite of the garlic chicken I made for dinner for the first time by myself. He survived ;) Little by little, God taught me how to cook and bake, run a house and helped me adjust into my role as a wife. God is the best and most patient teacher you will find. Remember that.

But from here things started going downhill. Daddy would work very long hours. Sometimes he would leave home at 6am and come back by 10pm. And all this time, I was alone at home. I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have friends, I didn’t have family. I became very lonely. I would cry out to God asking Him, “WHY did you bring me to this place? I am just wasting away in this country. What do You want me to do here??”  Many times I would reach out to the phone to call my parents to ask them to book me a ticket back home, but every single time God said, “No. I have a plan and a purpose for your life. Don’t look back.”

I was sinking further and further into depression until after about 2 or 3 months of feeling sorry for myself I decided, NO from today I am going to surrender to God’s will. I made a decision that I am not going to complain about being in Finland or being alone. Because I am not alone. God is right here with me. I decided to love Finland, love Finnish and love Finns. I made a choice that I was not going to waste time being sad, instead I would make the best of this situation. And after all, if God brought me here, God will take me through!

I started by praying for a job. Everyone told me, you can’t speak Finnish and therefore you won’t get a job. Within 2 weeks, I got a job. I work in English and I can work from home and my boss is such a lovely person. And it was a miracle because my boss was praying for an assistant at the same time I was praying for a job!

I started praying for a church. There was an English and Finnish church we attended on and off but I felt like God asking us to join the Finnish church full-time. It didn’t make sense to me as the whole service is in Finnish and I couldn’t understand a thing. But Daddy and I obeyed God and joined the Finnish church. The moment we joined they invited us to join the worship team and help out with the youth. I was scared because how would I communicate with people? But they were so kind-hearted and caring that even though they would usually speak in Finnish, because I was there, they conducted their meetings in English too, even thought it was hard for everyone else. I felt so loved and part of their family. I led worship at our youth night and I sang in Finnish! I was SO nervous ‘cos I had no idea of what I was singing but it was still awesome to worship God in another language. Now this week I will be teaching at the youth night, in English! Yeah, God is good! And not only our church but He also opened so many doors for Daddy and I to minister in many other churches around Finland.

I then started praying for friends and God brought so many lovely people into my life. Not only that, He made it possible for my parents to visit Finland during Christmas and even for my bestfriend to come visit Finland!!

And finally, the greatest miracle. I was struggling to learn Finnish. At first, I was angry at the people around me because they were speaking in Finnish and it seemed like nobody cared I was in the room and I couldn’t understand. So I told God, ‘No. I am going to speak Finnish fluently before the end of 2012’ And you will not believe how much my Finnish has improved! It’s not perfect but I was able translate quite abit for my bestfriend here when people speak to her in Finnish. I can literally hear the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear what people are saying around me.

These last 6-7 months have been hard but also I have learned many things. We are never alone. God is always with us and if we let Him, He can move mountains around us. He had to break me first though. I had to surrender to Him. That was the hardest part, but I’m glad it happened. Cos I learned to depend on Him more and less on myself. I learned to change my attitude first, before the situation around me changed. And most of all, I learned to be brave and face challenges instead of run away from them!

And now instead of complaining about what I lost or don’t have, I thank God for what I do have. An amazing husband who has been so supportive all the way, a loving and caring family, a great church with a big heart, wonderful friends, a job I love doing and of course, the ability to speak and understand some Finnish.

God is good, baby girl. Trust in Him and He will never let you down.

….and that concludes, my 2011! 2012 is going to be even greater!

Love you always and I’m waiting for you,

Mummy

My 2011 (Part 1- Sri Lanka)

Hey baby girl,

So it’s 2012!!! A new year! It seems like I blinked and then 2011 flew by so fast.

2011 was a big year for mummy & daddy. A lot of changes and a lot of decisions and big steps were taken. So I’d like to run you through our 2011 in a very big nutshell. This is going to be long, so don’t fall asleep reading this one ;)

The start of the year was somewhat undecided. There were so many decisions to make. I was only 21 and in a few weeks I had to decide what my whole year and possibly my future was going to look like. I was really scared. At that time, mummy and daddy had prayed and with God’s peace, we decided we wanted to get married in June. We told our parents and after the initial heart attacks, they prayed too and agreed! Hurah!

Now came the next steps. What were we going to do after our wedding? I wanted to live in Sri Lanka. I had just got back from Malaysia about 6 months ago and I didn’t want to leave to a new country so soon! I was determined NOT to go to Finland!! I didn’t know the language, I wouldn’t be able to work, I didn’t know anyone there, daddy wouldn’t have a job, we didn’t have a house, we didn’t have money and basically we didn’t have anything! So, no, I’m not going to Finland.

We started looking for apartments and jobs for me and daddy in Sri Lanka. Every time we walked into a place, I felt God saying, no. I was getting more and more frustrated. Until one day, my mummy and her friend was praying and God gave them a vision. And my mummy comes home and tells me, “You have to go to Finland. That’s what God wants from you” I think I felt like my legs melting into the ground. My heart breaking slowly and all hope vanishing. And then to make it worse, my daddy says the same thing!

But I love God. I knew He doesn’t just say things. So I went back and with a downcast heart, I prayed. I asked Him what He wanted from me. Sometime that week, I had a dream. I was walking through a desert and it was dry and sandy. Suddenly from no where your daddy follows me in to the desert and immediately snow started falling. I got startled in the dream and I started running and this time I ran into a garden with pretty flowers. Then your daddy ran into the same garden and AGAIN snow started falling. I started running until I could run no more but there was still snow. Then I turned around and ran to your daddy and when we held hands, the snow turned back into that beautiful garden. At that moment, I knew what God was telling me. You can’t run away from His plan for you. His plan is perfect and He always thinks of what’s best for us, even if we can’t see it that way at first. So guess what, I told your daddy, we are going to Finland!

So now starts the wedding planning. My goodness that in itself is a tremendous task. And then your daddy informs me that he is going to Finland for 3 months before our wedding. I was like WHAT?! But then we both felt that it’s best if he goes to work in Finland for a few months and prepare the way for when we move there in July. He also had to do his entrance exams for Uni. I knew this was the wisest thing to do, but inside I was scared. I would have to plan this wedding alone. But I thank God for my wonderful parents and family and friends who did help. Especially my mother. If not for her, I don’t know what I would have done.

But nevertheless, those 3 months were very hard for me. I had to prepare myself mentally that I would have to leave my home again and this time I don’t know when I would be coming back. I fell very sick in-between. I was missing your daddy. I was exhausted as I was juggling work, driving classes, wedding planning and of course, trying to soak in the last bits of Sri Lanka as I could! I would go to sleep crying most nights because I felt like I couldn’t leave my family again or I wasn’t ready for Finland. Time went on like this, but through it all, God was there with me. He was my only true friend and companion. Every time I was about to give up, He would miraculously pick me up and keep me going. And I say that to encourage you, baby girl. He will be your closest and most faithful friend. Remember that!

Those 3 months passed and in those 3 months, the wedding got planned, I worked at an amazing place with such a wonderful and encouraging boss, I passed my driving test (HURAH!), your daddy came back (DOUBLE HURAH!) and finally, the arrival of our wedding day! The only thing I wanted from our wedding was that not only daddy & I would be blessed but our beloved friends and family would have something to take away from it. And I believe God answered our prayers in some ways!

We got married, had a lovely honeymoon and the days grew closer for us to leave to Finland. It was hard. I forced myself not to cry in front of my family or friends. Only daddy knows the sorrow I carried inside. But to say bye to my parents at the airport was heart-breaking! Nevertheless, I had to do it! We boarded the plane and together, daddy and I set off to face new challenges….

Tomorrow I will finish this letter for you…I will tell you about the next 6 months of my life in Finland in my next letter. But for now let me tell you the few things I have learned through all of this.

Be obedient to God. Face challenges, do not run away from them. Don't ever give up.

I love you always and forever.

Love,

Mummy

Pictures from our first 6 months of 2011

You will not discriminate.

Dear baby girl,

Today I will write to you about something that is very hard for me to write because it means I have to dig deep into some of my hardest and possibly painful memories. Nevertheless, I must write about it because you must know. You mustn’t be shielded and hidden from unpleasant things. You must know them and understand the seriousness of these issues so that you never inflict those things upon others.

When mummy was a little girl, maybe around 4 or 5, my family moved to Australia. My parents were to study there and I went to school. My first year in Australia was a very hard one. When I went there I was a quiet, timid little girl. I had short, black, curly hair and I looked like a little boy. I was probably one of the 4 dark-skinned kids in my school. And of course, I was bullied for it. 

Mummy's first day of school, in Aussie

 They would call me names, compare me to shit, call me a boy, insult my parents, insult my God, even insult my grandmother. They would push me around or completely ignore me. So I spent most of my lunch breaks alone, walking around the big school. Or I had a small bush which I would eat my lunch in. I found comfort and solace in hiding.

But to make things worse, it wasn’t just the children. In my first grade, my own class teacher bullied me. She would keep me in the ‘dark room’ (the room where kids were put when they were punished) for no reason and make me write my ABC’s even though I knew how to read & write already. Once when someone in my class suggested that I should be made class monitor, she said no. Why? Because apparently I was stupid. Even though my reading, writing and spelling skills were far better than the other kids in my class. Thank God, my parents had me removed from that class and after taking a small test I was promoted to grade 2 in the middle of the year.

I was very scared as a little girl. I hated white people. I hated how they thought they were far superior than me simply because their skin was a lighter shade. I vowed that I would never marry a white man. I had been wounded too much as a little girl. And I believe the scars you receive when you are a small child are the ones hardest to heal.

But I grew up. I had to forgive those children and adults who hurt me. Instead of expecting them to change their thinking, I first had to change my thinking. I had to accept that all white people are not hurtful. All white people are not cruel and selfish and are not ignorant. In fact, they are beautifully human just like me. Now who I am married to? A Finn.

But this is what I have to tell you. As my daughter, you will not discriminate. You will not judge a man or woman or child by the colour of their skin. You will not look down on people because of their culture. You will never mock, joke or insult another human being because of where they come from. You will love people no matter how different they are from you. They did not choose the colour of their skin, or the country they were born in or the accent which they have, therefore you will NEVER mock them, insult them or humiliate them because of it. Do you understand me? You will also never think you are above anybody in this world. Because you are not. It doesn’t matter if you are the queen of a country, nobody is beneath you that you cannot respect their humanity. And when you see people being put down, you will stand up for them. You will not tolerate racism. Why? Because when I was being bullied, nobody stood up for me. And I cannot explain to you how much that hurt.

Love people. Be different. Think differently. I have faith that you will grow up with character and integrity and most of all, a heart for people.

I will love you always,

Mummy

Daddy is the best husband I could ask for  <3

Just do it.

Hey baby girl,

So yesterday it's been....4 months since I moved to Finland! Honestly, it feels like much longer than that. I guess that's because so much has happened in such a short time. So many lessons I've had to learn in just 4 months which I hadn't learned in years. Nevertheless, I can tell you that being in Finland has been an incredible journey so far.

Yes, there have been many nights I've cried out to God and asked Him, 'WHY AM I HERE?!' But God, in His kindness and love, has always replied, 'Don't be afraid. I am with you.' And true enough, He has been with me. Though the journey, so far, has been bumpy, it's been a good one!

Today I look back and I can understand why I was brought here. I have changed a lot as a person. Mostly in a good way. God has pushed me to push my limits. He has made me face my fears. But above all, He has caused me to lean on Him. And this is probably a lesson you should learn at an early age, for the faster you learn it, the better! It doesn't matter who is around you. It could be people who you love the most or people you can't stand at all. The only person you lean on is God. Because I can assure you, He is the only person who will NOT let you down. Everyone is human and they are just as fragile and vulnerable as you are. So don't forget, lean on your Heavenly Daddy!

I also know that another reason God brought us here was to serve Him. Your daddy and I have had so many opportunities to serve God. We have been given the amazing privilege of singing and playing in many churches and we got to share our little life stories in the meantime. Our faith has been tested and so has our obedience.

I just thought I would share a little story with you, which happened a couple of days ago. So daddy and I go to a Finnish Church. It's a nice church but it's all in Finnish so I understand very little of what's going on. Daddy translates for me usually. However something I do love, is singing the old songs in Finnish. They are slow and so different from what I'm used to but they are incredibly beautiful!

So last Sunday, we were seated at the back and daddy was translating for me, when a somewhat elderly lady came and sat next to me. She was smelling of cigarettes and she didn't look like she was ok. The moment she sat down, I sort of felt an electric shock in me and I heard the Holy Spirit telling me to pray for her. So I asked your daddy to stop translating as I wanted to concentrate and I started praying for her quietly. Somewhere during the songs, she started crying. Now I knew it was not just a voice in my head asking me to pray for her. The service was coming to a close and I heard the Holy Spirit asking me to talk to her after the service that He had something He wanted to tell her. Now in Finland, people don't just walk up to strangers and start talking to them so I felt a bit nervous. I was wondering, okay is this REALLY God or is this just my own voice? But I thought, no, I'm not going to think twice about this. I'm just going to do it. So after the service daddy and I walked up to her and he asked her if she could speak English and she said no. So I started talking to her in English and daddy translated. I told her how much God loves her and how her life is so important to Him and how He has made her to do great things for Him. And there in the middle of the church she started bawling and hugged me. And in the little English she knew, she asked me, 'What's your name?'

It was just a small act of obedience on mine and daddy's part, but who knows how far that small act could go. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter how scared you are, when you hear God's voice asking you to do something. Just do it. Whether it is to talk to someone you have never spoken to or leave all your family and friends and move to a different continent, when God asks you to do something, just do it! You don't know how many lives you can change :)

Lots of love and cuddles,
Mummy <3

P.S. IT'S AUTUMN!! And that's mummy's favourite season :) Here is a picture of me and daddy showing a tree some love ;)